Wednesday, January 24, 2007

What If's and If Only's

And soon it will be 8 months. I’m so discouraged. I try very hard to keep a bright outlook but as each month comes and the batches do not get any larger my outlook becomes dimmer. May of 2008 – that is over one full year away. I can’t even wrap my brain around that but that is what the current guesstimate says we are going to get our referral. By May of 2008 T will be graduating from high school and L will be a sophomore. We’ll have to update our homestudy and do the whole fingerprint process again. More money will have to go out. You are probably wondering what happens if the homestudy and 171H expire for the second time. That shouldn’t happen. (of course, who would’ve thought it would happen a FIRST time). Our 171H and homestudy does not have to be up to date when China reviews our dossier. It just has to be done before we travel to pick her up.

In my head I am having the “what if” and “if only” war. “What if” it isn’t meant for us to adopt? “What if” we went the SN route? “What if” China closes the doors to IA? “If only” we could have gotten our dossier quicker to China. “If only” Charlotte wasn’t so slow. “If only” Big T didn’t take a year to see that our family was missing something. If only…..if only…what if…what if…. Don’t you hate it when you start talking to yourself??!! Jeez!!

Ok – get this. People who got pregnant after we announced our adoption plans are now HAVING BABIES!!! I know….poor pitiful me!! I know, don’t even say it…keep yourself busy. Enjoy your time with the boys. Enjoy your sleep. Enjoy the upcoming summer. Blech!! I don’t WANT to do that! I want to hold our daughter!! I want to stroke her face! I want to hug and kiss her, to play with her, teach her and learn from her.


a&mg said...

I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel since I think we are all on our own journey through this, but I do COMPLETELY relate! I have played the same game and have questioned myself on a million different things. We are at 8 months next week, and I cringe when I think that we are probably not even halfway through the wait. Hang in there, and know at least that you are not alone.

Carla said...

We're 4 months down from LID. But it's been 2 years since we made the decision. It has gone so slowly (yet so quickly). I keep seeing these families adopting from Guatemala or Vietnam who are travelling soon, who have that picture in hand...and they started AFTER I did. It's so discouraging. I question myself, my faith that we made the right decision, and I I meant to follow through on this. Part of me wishes that the people who are adopting in the "midst" of China adoption (meaning pursuing Vietnam while keeping their spot in line for China) would NOT be able to stay in line. But it's a totally selfish reason. *sigh* We are interested in SN, but that seems to take extremely long as well waiting for the lists to come out!


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